Originally posted December 11, 2009

Someone stole my iPod from my car the other night. To say I was upset would be quite the understatement. I felt angry, violated, and frustrated that at the end of a 10 hour day at school for classes and interning, someone felt that my three year old iPod, cracks and all, was worth taking.

My one hour drive home was rife with vitriol thoughts of downright hatred.

I flopped down on my couch with my laptop and angrily smashed at the keyboard to update my Twitter with the news and added two words to the end that were not necessary to share before heading to bed.

Imagine how small I felt the next morning when I awoke to check my comments on Facebook, which pulls new status updates from my Twitter, to see a comment from a dear friend, a youth pastor from southern Jersey that simply said “who are you?”

I sank.

Who AM I?

A year ago and some change ago I could have told you exactly who I was. I was coming off of touring for a nationally known non-profit that ended not so well, and a tour with a band of friends that opened my eyes to the brokenness of what I had aspired to be. I had just arrived home from a trip to Sturgis, SD on a mission trip that crushed my spirit and my thirst.

A year and some change ago, I became a crushed man with a crippled soul and a heart bitter against the church.

Looking back about 18 months ago, I see someone who is nothing like the man typing this blog right now; and that scares me.

We hear in church, and in sermons, and on bumper stickers and t-shirts that life is hills and valleys. You peak one minute and sink the next. The climb up is hard, the fall is fast and easy, and the sudden impact when you hit the ground is excruciating.

The past 15 months have essentially been the timeline for my slip, fall, crash, burn, and then the acceptance of my failure and unworthiness.

I find that I tend to make unwarranted excuses and justifications to allow my faith to conveniently fit my life as I want it to. Inside, however, I feel the guilt and the shame. Barely does a day go by that I don’t want to bury my head and pretend that the atheists are right and there is no God that created me, or loves me, or cares about me, or knows what I am compared to what I could be.

It’s amazing how bitterness against the church led to a turning away, which led to feeling the guilt and shame of abandonment against my Father. Self realization is the catalyst to righting the ship and correcting the course.

I could quote scripture about running races, enduring pain, allowing the world to hate you, not belonging here, being held to a higher standard, etc., but all I really need to remind anyone reading, anyone struggling, anyone trying to hold on, is that no matter what you do, how bad things get, it’s never to late. Grace abounds.

Identify, act, and grow. Do something to enact a change in your life that causes you to move forward with your walk – or in my case, my stumble – grace is sufficient.

Peace be with you.

“There are days where I’m right where I’m supposed to be
But mostly I am far away
I’m learning to live the way I should
I’m learning to love the way you would
And today it’s been made clear that I’ve walked so far alone
It’s easy to want something more.
But I will dive, closer to you.”
Life in Your Way – Threads of Sincerity