Originally published March 31, 2008

Around a year and a half ago I felt in urging in my spirit to witness and try to understand the many parts of the body of Christ. I began to pray for a spiritual anatomy lesson so that I might be a beacon of hope not just to those who have not yet embraced Love, but to those who have but are neck deep in negativty and prejudice within the church family as well.

I wanted to see everything that God has to offer. And I still do, don’t get me wrong, He has only just begun to show me the world, the shining and shimmering splendor. He has only begun to reveal to me the great inner workings of His hands through His people.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again and again. I truly feel that the book of the acts of the Holy Spirit was never intended to have an ending. The apostles have carried out their stories for two thousand years. The true sadness is in the realization that we have lost track of their stories; of our stories.

These stories desperately need to be told in order for God’s people to remember how He has moved throughout the earth, making great revelations through the lives of people who were less than great.

I prayed that God would reveal to me the many ways that He uses his dysfunctional children to be His witness. I found that when you pray a bold prayer, God will always answer. If He doesn’t, then you need to open your eyes and look, and open your ears and listen, and close your mouth and be quiet. I know this because He answered me.

I find a special admiration for the sparrow. Jesus spoke quite often about the tiny bird. Most people would just overlook the little creature because it bears such little significance in their lives. The sparrow brings little to the table.

I fancy myself to be like the sparrow. Small (in a global point of view) and clumsy, primitive, wandering, flitty, there are many characteristics of the sparrow with which I can identify.

I do not see myself like the eagle, majestic, powerful, and commanding. Eagles hunt and kill and devour. Eagles flood the skies and make their presence known. Eagles have razor sharp beaks and talons for tearing apart flesh and a war cry that can be heard for miles and miles. They are strong and move quickly. No, I am no eagle.

Nor do I see myself like the raven; the king of the scavangers. Ravens are black and intimidating, they are ruthless and unforgiving. Ravens are the intellectuals who think through their actions down to the most minute detail. Ravens are strong opportunists who cackle and criticise the other birds. I am surely not a raven.

Owls are admirable birds. Their wisdom and knowledge is accented by their keen sense of observation. they gobble down their food and digest upon it night and day. Their call is one of an eerie forbodance, but their eyesight is fixed only upon the far and not the near. Owls are alone and must be very lonely. I could not bear the burden of being an owl.

Then there are the pigeons and the seagulls. Filthy leeches who are so addicted to human beings and their cities and their foods. Born into an addiction of the world. These birds are widely regarded for being stupid, ungraceful, and brazenly selfish. If I were one of these moronic pests, I would ingest an alka-seltzer and go out with a bang.

Nor am I a parrot or a peacock, hiding behind my beauty or my loud mouth or my social skills; or canary that makes a pretty song despite being locked away within a cage.

No, I am definitely a sparrow. Sparrows are communal birds who make nests for short periods of time. Their nests are never organized and are usually piled into something that is already there. Sparrows adapt top their environment and can live off of scraps and leftovers. Sparrows feed on the seeds that the sower throws that do not take root. They scavange, and are omnivorous, but are not disgusting like the vultures. Sparrows make an effort to live free and live light.

Sure, sparrows might not be the cleanest birds. They might be a little rough around the edges. But they are clever, and crafty, and very friendly. Sparrows are gregarious and live in medium to large sized community flocks. The sparrow belongs to the genus of Passer. How appropriate as we sparrows are often passers as well. We pass through different towns and experiences, living out as much love as possible. The sparrow isn’t known for its perfect song, but they do sing, and sometimes it is beautiful.

Jesus once told his disciples, “Are not two sparrows sold for a cent? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.” (Matt 10:29-31, NASB)

I am happy enough knowing that my loving Father won’t let me fall without His blessing, let alone to know that He has my hairs counted and values me more than the sparrow. I’m content being a sparrow.

The cool thing about these birds is that God made them all. they all serve a purpose. They all have a reason for being. they all play a pivotal role in the unfolding of the world’s inner workings. This is all a part of God’s master plan that we cannot even begin to fully comprehend.

I do not even always comprehend what the Holy Spirit wants me to see. Sometimes it takes a few weeks to sink in.

In the past eighteen months, I have been humbled to witness the joy and unashamed adoration of the charistmatic people. Long have I stood with arms crossed and eyes rolled. I do not need to dissertate the dogma or the theological differences, but I have learned to appreciate the mostly genuine and childlike faith and love of their worship.

I have seen pastors of super mega churches and slept in their homes. Long have I been critical of those who God has entrusted with so many resources. Although if it were me, I would hope that I would live more modestly, their generosity has opened their doors to their home to countless sparrows like myself.

Perhaps I owe an apology to the people who devote themselves to living in a seemingly empty state of grace. The folks who live by the law. I have been harsh on those who preach with extremely deep conviction and who hold up a standard that is high and intimidating and to me not fun or free at all. However, many of these men and women exercise such incomperable devotion and discipline. Their self sacrifice goes beyond their time and resources, but in the very way they craft their lives.

And what of the people with their eyes trans fixed upon the future. They delve deep into the imagery of the prophets and of the world’s current affairs, drawing paralells and charting out fulfilled prophecies. It is not our business to know the day, for even the angels do not know the day that Christ will return, but these men and women keep their eyes open as a lookout. They follow the scriptures through deep study and through heavy research. Their prudent efforts remind us of how close Christ is to returning and how urgent we ought to be about our father’s business.

I have seen wealth and I have seen poverty and I see the poor in riches and the poor and spirit and rarely are the poor in riches the same as the poor in spirit. Quite the opposite, most of the wealthy people that I have seen have been so miserable. But I am starting to realize that God made us all. We are all different, and that is absolutely beautiful.

I was at a three day cross-denominational (including protestant, orthodox, and catholic) men’s retreat and one of the spiritual directors, who was a Methodist minister, spoke to us, and specifically to my heart, that as a methodist, he had no right and no ability to claim that he and his donimination had the market cornered on the truth found in disciplines and works that are inherently argued about. As long as we have our core, which is found in the trinity: God the creator, Jesus the redemeer, and Holy Spirt the motivator, as well as the Bible’s truthful account of history, and the call to live out God’s love, then we have the foundation necessary to bring about a world revolution.

We are many parts of one body. If we can stop arguing about our differences for a few minutes and recognize the complexity of the human body and the infite complexity of the spiritual body of Christ, then even greater things can be accomplished. If we can show grace and mercy to the small parts of our dogmatic doctorine and recognize that God has flexibility for all of us to be used for His greater good, than we will be able to move. Until that day, we remain crippled and crawling.

I am a sparrow. I flutter here and there. I live small and live lightly. I carry small burdens because I have learned to pass up the larger burdens to my Jesus. My song is not perfect, but it is beautiful.

Come sing it with me?

Originally posted March 9, 2008

I must admit that I suffer from a certain discontent, these days. I am in dire need of discipleship. I’m not just talking the half hearted, once a week for an hour, going through a lesson plan and activity sheets like a child in Sunday School type of discipleship either. I am in severe need of hearty admonition, teaching, and encouragement. I do not even know what all was entailed when Paul took Silas, Titus, or Timothy under his wing, but I am in need of a serious rabbi-teacher. Our culture places very little emphasis on the importance of one-on-one discipleship. I want to grow closer to God. I want to be more like Jesus. But I do not know how to do so. And how will I know if I am never instructed. I guess I’m searching for a Paul.

It is each generation’s responsibility to GOD to raise up the next generation. To fail that task is not only a failure to your generation, or the next generation, or the generation following that one, but the Almighty Himself. I have always known that, as it is clearly stated in the Bible all over the Old Testament. I never really grasped on to why until recently.

I was sitting on the couch at my parent’s home, preparing material for an upcoming speaking tour when I saw a special on the Discovery channel. It was about a series of elephant rampages that resulted in the loss of hundreds of rhinocerouses over the course of about 5 years. Teenage elephant males were introduced into an African wildlife preserve. There was an abundance of females and a hope that the young males would be able to mate and reproduce upon their maturation. However, there were no older male elephants to act as role models of proper elephant behavior. God had engineered these animals to have a hierarchy and an education system, much like our own. These young male elephants then began to enter elephant puberty earlier than expected due to a lack of older males. There was no establishment of dominance and the females hormones triggered their animal instincts. The increase in testosterone and complete lack of elder supervision resulted in premature ‘musting.’ Musting is when male elephants emit pheramones to attract female mates. The pheramones stream black down their faces and the females are able to recognize who’s ready to get busy with the reproductive process. However, since the Elephants were not yet full grown, mature elephant females were not interested. Kind of like a young boy having a crush on his middle school teacher. So these jacked up, horny animals went crazy with the rest of the wildlife, almost entirely ruining an eco system that was being preserved.

That is similar to how undiscipled young Christians can be. We are ignorant, uneducated, and ready to go. We are jacked up on our spiritual testosterone and ready to beat down the doors of the spiritual world, taking on all comers. But even though we feel ready to change the world for Jesus, we have no one to streamline and test our knowledge, expand our wisdom, and discuss difficult texts. It shouldn’t just be for those feeling called to seminary or Bible college to learn the scriptures. It should be happening with our teenagers, young adults, and newly reborn Christians. Our church needs mentored and it should be up to the elders to see to it that it happens. Now, I’m not saying that it doesn’t happen anywhere,but I am saying that in the places I have been, it is most certainly not evident.

What can, will, or is already happening as a result is a large number of young radical Christians who are wide eyed about life with Christ who are only learning or being refined by their own studies. There is no accountability, no direction, no point of reference to check with. In exchange, there is some pretty loose doctorine floating around, there elements of faith being forgotten about, there are young Christians carrying their words as weapons to defend and attack with what they believe. Our preserved way of life, and ultimately love, are being lost among the doctorines and dogmas of the “rules” of being a Christian.

I don’t want to be a wild radical who is hurting people with words. I want to be more like Jesus; gentle, kind hearted, patient, loving. And how can I learn without a teacher? Where are the pastors and overseers who are personally discipling the young church?

This isn’t a new problem. Discipleship is a piece of spiritual growth that has been falling by the wayside for several generations. The results are becoming more and more prevalent as each day passes. Our parents were failed by our grandparents, and their parents failed them as well. The result is a multi-generational gap of legitimate discipleship and apprenticeship. We have effectively removed one on one, mentor to student discipleship and replaced it with the Christian college industry, where paper doscuments are issued and life lessons are still learned from hard knocks.

As it says in the Message, Romans 10:14-17, “But how can people call for help if they don’t know who to trust? And how can they know who to trust if they haven’t heard of the One who can be trusted? And how can they hear if nobody tells them? And how is anyone going to tell them, unless someone is sent to do it? That’s why Scripture exclaims, ‘A sight to take your breath away! Grand processions of people telling all the good things of God!’ But not everybody is ready for this, ready to see and hear and act. Isaiah asked what we all ask at one time or another: “Does anyone care, God? Is anyone listening and believing a word of it?” The point is: Before you trust, you have to listen. But unless Christ’s Word is preached, there’s nothing to listen to.”

We need discipline. We need instruction. We need humbled. We need to not fail our children.

Take interest in someone on a one on one basis. Give them the time of day. Show them Christ’s very simple and very beautiful love. Be proactive with your faith mentoring.

Originally posted December 11, 2009

Someone stole my iPod from my car the other night. To say I was upset would be quite the understatement. I felt angry, violated, and frustrated that at the end of a 10 hour day at school for classes and interning, someone felt that my three year old iPod, cracks and all, was worth taking.

My one hour drive home was rife with vitriol thoughts of downright hatred.

I flopped down on my couch with my laptop and angrily smashed at the keyboard to update my Twitter with the news and added two words to the end that were not necessary to share before heading to bed.

Imagine how small I felt the next morning when I awoke to check my comments on Facebook, which pulls new status updates from my Twitter, to see a comment from a dear friend, a youth pastor from southern Jersey that simply said “who are you?”

I sank.

Who AM I?

A year ago and some change ago I could have told you exactly who I was. I was coming off of touring for a nationally known non-profit that ended not so well, and a tour with a band of friends that opened my eyes to the brokenness of what I had aspired to be. I had just arrived home from a trip to Sturgis, SD on a mission trip that crushed my spirit and my thirst.

A year and some change ago, I became a crushed man with a crippled soul and a heart bitter against the church.

Looking back about 18 months ago, I see someone who is nothing like the man typing this blog right now; and that scares me.

We hear in church, and in sermons, and on bumper stickers and t-shirts that life is hills and valleys. You peak one minute and sink the next. The climb up is hard, the fall is fast and easy, and the sudden impact when you hit the ground is excruciating.

The past 15 months have essentially been the timeline for my slip, fall, crash, burn, and then the acceptance of my failure and unworthiness.

I find that I tend to make unwarranted excuses and justifications to allow my faith to conveniently fit my life as I want it to. Inside, however, I feel the guilt and the shame. Barely does a day go by that I don’t want to bury my head and pretend that the atheists are right and there is no God that created me, or loves me, or cares about me, or knows what I am compared to what I could be.

It’s amazing how bitterness against the church led to a turning away, which led to feeling the guilt and shame of abandonment against my Father. Self realization is the catalyst to righting the ship and correcting the course.

I could quote scripture about running races, enduring pain, allowing the world to hate you, not belonging here, being held to a higher standard, etc., but all I really need to remind anyone reading, anyone struggling, anyone trying to hold on, is that no matter what you do, how bad things get, it’s never to late. Grace abounds.

Identify, act, and grow. Do something to enact a change in your life that causes you to move forward with your walk – or in my case, my stumble – grace is sufficient.

Peace be with you.

“There are days where I’m right where I’m supposed to be
But mostly I am far away
I’m learning to live the way I should
I’m learning to love the way you would
And today it’s been made clear that I’ve walked so far alone
It’s easy to want something more.
But I will dive, closer to you.”
Life in Your Way – Threads of Sincerity

Originally published February 8, 2009

My mind is racing at about a billion miles an hour right now, so bear with me as I sift through this stimulus overload.

The Bible is filled with stories where people of faith have fasted during trials in an effort to become closer to God. Jesus went into the desert to fast and grow closer to his Dad up in Heaven and to prepare for his ministry (Matthew 4). During the Babylonian captivity, Daniel fasted by only eating certain vegetation and praying fervently for his people (Daniel 1, 10). King David fasted in repentance after his son, born out of David’s adultery with Bathsheba, fell ill as a punishment for his sins. God called David a man after His own heart. Moses and Elijah also fasted, as did Paul, and many, many others.

For each of them, there was a reason. I have, for the past few months, been struggling with my relationship with my Heavenly Father, my ABBA. I’ve felt left outside looking in. I have been living in a pool of envy for my dear friends, who each love the Father and serve Him with their lives.

I’ve also been feeling resentful for my constant state of being single. I have felt alone. I have felt abandoned. I felt bitter because I was being denied the joy of loving, compassionate relationship.

How emo of me, right?

I recently read Starving Jesus, by Craig Gross and J.R. Mahon (of http://www.XXXchurch.com) and felt a stirring in my heart to fast.

I looked at the calendar and saw that February was only two days away. With March 1 being my birthday I felt that I would hand Elohim my guts for 28 days, the entire month. In exchange, He would show me where to go, how to get there, what to do there, and who I would spend my life with. He might also shrink down my appetite, and my stomach, just a little bit.

Yeah, I had the whole thing figured out.

I’ll be honest, the days on the fast sucked. Not because of hunger; I never really felt the hunger. Not even because of being sick, and weak – even though that sucked pretty badly too. What sucked was I knew in my mind that I was so desperate for His attention that I had to resort to this. That upset me. How could God leave me out in the cold?

What I failed to realize, was that He never ignored me. He never left me. He never turned away from me. I have been fighting for my own independence. I want the Word AND the world. You can’t have both. Immanuel, God with us, is the perfect name for Him.

But I left Him out in the cold. I put Him aside to figure out how I could be most useful to Him. I spent every waking moment, and many moments I should have spent sleeping, agonizing over how I could use my future and potential as a servant to a Master.

I wasn’t on a fast. I was on a hunger strike. I wasn’t going to eat until God gave me EXACTLY what I wanted. I put Him on my time frame – 28 days. I expected results. I expected for God to make me into a different person, a more efficient servant. I had fallen into the trap of works and the idolatry of worshipping my labor on Earth, totally neglecting the gifts laid before me here in the present.

Gifts in the present…

I found out that there are three different ways you can live life:
You can bury yourself in the past.
You can always be staring into the future.
You can enjoy the gifts of the present.

Living in the past gets you nowhere but dead. It is unhealthy to only remember what once was. Likewise, living for the future denies you the gifts of things you are currently experiencing. To live in communion with Father Time requires you to stop, and enjoy the gifts of the present. Cherish each moment you spend.

I learned that this week. It rocked my world.

You know what else I learned? I learned it doesn’t matter who I am, or what I do. God doesn’t care about how quickly I can spread the Gospel. He doesn’t care about how many languages I can share my faith in. He doesn’t even care about how many books I’ve read about Him. He cares about me. He loves me and wants to know me, and wants me to know Him. He has no expectations of me. He just loves me.

He wants to go swimming with me, go on drives to the store with me, hang out with me at work, help me with my homework. If God had Verizon, we’d be texting back and forth all day long. He yearns for me to want to spend time with Him. He wants me to ask Him questions. He wants me to appreciate the greatest thing He ever created: unconditional love.

How have I missed out on this?

How have I neglected my time in the now with the friends He gifted me with? Each person I encounter isn’t there by random chance, but as a gift from God. My interactions with the people I know should be filled with joy and wonder, not guilt or trepidation.

It’s like I told Josh while we hunted this year. The joy for me is not killing an animal. The joy for me is the community of people that are brought together. The joy is the shared beer and stories around the cutting table.

I may never be in full time ministry. I may never sell off every thing I own and give the money to the poor. I may never write a best selling Zondervan book that changes the world. I may never fall in love and get married. None of those things will change the depth of love that God has for me.

If any of those things happen, then great. If not, oh well. As long as I live with Love at the center of my very being, I will be with Him. He will be with me. I will need nothing more.

There is no darkness, only an absence of light. There is no cold, only an absence of heat. There is no evil, only an absence of Good. As such, there is no failure, only an absence of success.

I ended this fast on Day 7. When the Word spoke the world into existence, He rested on the seventh day. While I set out to fast for 28 days, I have found that in 7 days I was shown the light, the warmth, and the goodness. I would call this a success.

God is beyond our time. What He saw in seven days was a lonely and desperate man yearning to grow closer to Him. He lifted His little boy and sat the boy on His lap and embraced him. The sum of the difference between 7 and 28 is insignificant. The change is what matters.

Today I found love, and it hit harder and faster than anything I’ve ever felt before.

I love you. I love you, Lord.

Thanks for all of your prayers. I love you all. For real.

Rosh